m_heals

is the whole "feeling sorry for yourself" a bad thing? as a whole? no matter what?
or is it like crying...where in my grandmother's opinion, you should have a good hard cry about every 3 months - just to clear the system, so-to-speak.

so then i ask - is grieving the same thing as feeling sorry  for yourself, or is feeling sorry for yourself the same thing as grieving? or are they two totally different things???

the night before last, my mom and i were talking. i was feeling depressed(no surprise there), and was trying to figure out WHAT exactly was putting me down. and of course she just had to bring up the fact that my birthday's in a month. as odd as it might sound to all those normal people out there, i really wish i could just skip my birthday this year. i wish the calander went like so: October 20th, 2009. October 21st, 2009. October 23rd, 2009. October 24th, 2009....and so on normally. of course if i was at home, i would most likely welcome the big 16!!! with wide open arms... but here, theres nothing to celebrate. i cant come home for homecoming, i cant come home for my birthday.... MY 16TH BIRTHDAY.(if it was any other bday, it wouldnt mean so much). my  mom's prolly going to force me to give Pookie away. im in Germany(that self-explanitory as to why its fucked up.) my dad left over two weeks ago, and still wont be back for at least ANOTHER week - he's been gone, longer then we've even been in the house. my mom's seriously considering a head transplant - no lie - because she feels quote" im loosing my mind...im going crazy....i cant take it/deal with it any more"quote. and to stress her out she has...
me.
the kids.
MJ!
dad being gone.
dad being gone and "just so happened" to leave her with all sorts of hard work - such as....
out landlord failing epicly to finish the things he has been told he needs to do by..... OH, TODAY. HA!... (we still have a HUGE tower of dirt sitting in our side yard....soooo) we now get to pay him even less rent. ha. sucks for him...
eh.
and cats desided to begin marking all sorts of random areas of the house - 500-year-old, doesnt-belong-to-us house.
two of my BRAND NEW purses, and possibly my school bag are now ruined, because they desided to use them as a letter box, and leave a nice soaking mess for me yesterday morning and this afternoon.
and the three of them STILL dont get along, thus my mom is starting to figure out who to give my Pookie to....
great the exact "one-month-until" marking point for my birthday, and THAT'S what gets shoved on my plate.

so, back to point of bringing this all up - mom's stressed.
dad's gone and when ever he leaves it just fucks up the whole family dinamics. i have to step up my game, and help mom not explode her own head by accident, and become "Mommy #2" but of course mom never lets me have any control over the kids which defeats the whole purpose of helping out with them in the first place.

so LSS - im pissed. im depressed. and im at that stage of depressed that if/when something bad happens, you cant even have an emotional reaction one way or another about it.one little slip up on your good day, and you let your hands fall to your side and you look to the ground and say to yourself "why am i not surprised."


i am however very "happy" about the fact that i have YET AGAIN prooven my parents WRONG-O.
and yes, by "happy", im being sarcastic.
my mom said tons of times..." your father and i have seen how you are madi, and you know, dad even said once 'you know, madi'll just go in and take that school by storm. i just know she will, it's what she always does."
ha.
ha.
ha.
really? cuz..... i've not gotten anywhere.
ive been at this new school longer then both Lead America in New York, and Cambridge in England.....
and if i left right now, i wouldnt be thinking of anything but "how soon can i leave!??!?!!?   :D "



yeah. so much for what you THOUGHT would happen dad.
and my mom claims that because she moved right before 8th grade (not to mention the fact that she LOVED moving and coming into a school new), she actually knows how i feel.
look  people - its as simple as this - when i meet someone who hated moving, who moved right before her jounior year, across that stupid oversized pond....and came out alive, and happy, and can tell me "it'll get better" - THEN i'll start beleiving it. because so far, i've met quite a few ADULTS who grew up in the military and had to move in the middle of high school. MEN - those who are supossedly "stronger then the adv. woman(discluding katie - the emotionaly strongest person i've ever met/known/or called my friend, and one of the over all strongest people i've ever met, known or called a friend), claim it was emotionaly very hard, and even today they'll never forget how hard it was, and swear up and down that they would never in a million years do that, and put thier kids through that kind of emotional torture....
hm.
and so ME - Madi. the one of the most putheticly overly emotionaly-powered ppl in the world prolly - is suppossed to "suck it up. and deal with it"
just like that.
ha.
wow. fuck it. good luck to "mom" and "dad" in trying to get me to honnest to god just deal with it....


And the very worst part of the whole thing is - im pretty sure in the fact that my life will ALWAYS be like this.
Not because my life is any bit "Lifetime Movie" worthy...
but because this is the way it appears to me.
this is how i take everything in. its human nature to remember the bad times far over the good. but still, i take that times 100.
one thing that ADD does to a person that makes them different then most other peopl, is that it makes them very sensitive.
this is good and bad.
good because im very sensitive to the way people act...like a "very sensitive radar" or something... i pick up things. hidden, sudden, subtle things that many people wouldnt.
i also am able to relate myself to others, example - "hmmm...well, that one time when Sally ignored me and didnt inlude me in the convo with Becky and Jill, that hurt my feelings." so now, every time im talking with someone, and another person comes up er is already there, and is being excluded from the convo, i realize that very quickly, and try to include them.
now - if i really really dont like someone (as hard as it may be for many people to believe that i actually have a "that deep of a level ofhatred" for ANYONE..... im sure katie could assure you otherwise) i notice that - hell, i MAKE that the situatuion. if someone i dont like is trying to includ themselves, ha i'll physically close the "circle" and/or completely ignore anything they say and change the subject. let it be known that i "hate" very few, almost none.
and if i do happen to hate someone, i have every right in the world to feel that way.
so if some other frined of mine started to try and "help" that hated-by-me person get included in the group....
i would be extreemly offended, betrayed, and a long list of other things that i'd rather not get myself into at the moment.



both the fact that a will always see my  life as "bad" as some would say i see it, and the little what-i-do-to-people-i-hate and how it would piss me off to all ends if one of my friends started to help that person out of my little giult trip i purposly put them in....
well, i have to say those are at least some of the very major if not the only two negative parts about Madi.
i cannot help it, and i'd love to be "jesus" and always do the right thing, and forgive everyone. but there are just some people i cant.
and i wont. i refuse to.
some to think of it, i realised something about myself last year....

 - for me, forgiving a person is to say "it never happened, your slate is wiped clean,consider it forgoten by me"  like if someone accidently triped over my foot on the way to the front of the room. i dont care, they didnt mean to do it.
 - for me, saying "i understand where you were coming from/why you did it"  means just that. like my mom when i was younger. i always tell her that. because i undersatnd and know that she was honnestly confused, and didnt know what else to do. her intention was never to hurt me. and if i were in her situation i could see myself doin the same thing. dosent mean i forgive her, becuase i'll always remember what happened.


so in those times where most people are wanting to hear a "i forgive you', i personaly just cant give it to them. sorry but i'd be lieing if i did.
instead, it could be a "thank you" or a "i understand why it happened/where you were coming from", and if i understand where you were coming from, many times that can lead to me whole-heartedly forgiving you.


so, here's some wacky, hard to deal with, not good parts of Madi.
can you handle them, or is it too much, because im begining to wake up from my cloud nine world, and smelling th coffee beans is just prooving that many people are begining to get sick of it.
so, thus im to the point of saying, "heres a list of all my negatives - if you cant handle me when the following is present, just hand back you application and you are free to exit the theater, free of any dirty looks or awkward glances later if we ever meet again..."


ah... if only friendships were that easy to weed out halfway across the world.

if katie has even
A) read this at all
B) continued to even read all the way down
and
C) idk, i just thought having a "C)" would make more sence....
i might have to start working on that little "application"....
and if you ever wouldnt mind, i might need some help... i dont know ALL my weaknesses, and ugly quirks, and thats where i'll always need you. well, one of the many, but still.
so, if your ever up for it.... i guess i'll know if you comment this...
 i wonder if i dont tag you in it, how long it will take for you to check my live journal.... hmm...
test of true intrest....

i am in the process of writing up a few entries about my summer so far, since i left niceville.
i will hopefully have them up within the next few days. but never fear! they shall arive soooon!!!...
LSS - new york was awesome, and i yet again have re-desided i want to live there, in the city  soooooooo bad!
cambridge, england was of course europe, so my friends got quite used to hearing me say in the middle of my three litle break-downs ''i just need to get out of europe. im getting my butt back to the USA asap!''
....im....well...not a big ''EUROPE!!!!!'' person.
already seen enough of it. lived there for 6 years. i've had my share of it.
i cant deal with it.... im too american i suppose.
but anyhoots. both places i met sum great ppl.
just how great? my ''i only have one best friend'' saying has now been bumped up to 3.
Stef from new york, and Sarah from England. which i will go into much more detail in my other two entries.
Chief is still, and always will remain #1....
i have no doubt about that. it's not like when i called someone else my ''best friend'' and said they still were number one but in reality chief was...
Chief is too epic. you can't get any better then her. she's the best of the best.
the reason i say all this is because the next two entries might have alot about these two other ppl and i'd hate for Chief to get any ideas.
chief is far too one-of-a-kind, and means far too much to me. i resently opened up my presents fro her and i have to say, they are sum of the best i've ever gotten.
this journal thing is gunna work out i think... and that makes me very happy!

;)

so LSS - i might go on-andon about these other ppl, and thea are sum awesome ppl.
but, with that said, a certain best friend is very important and speacial to me. and her friendship (if i may call it that) is more meaningful to me then anything in the world.

and i'm being drop-dead (no pun intended) serious.
she's prolly the only one reading this so,
yeah.... sorry about the whole thing being in kind of third-person...
ha, i miss your presence very much, and not a day goes by when i don't think about you in the dungeon or wish you were here to see things... in england mostly.... can't count the times i thought  'god, chief would love this....i'm DEFF bringing her back here one day....' or just plain old how much it killed me not having you there with my for all the memories...
i just hope i didnt fail completely with your gifts which should be going in the mail within the next day er so....


.... you are pimp.


....sorry for all my sap.   i give you permission to gibbs-slap me next time i see you....not that you really NEED my permission. you'd do it anyway.